The Value of Empathy

*It’s taken me forever to post this! The winter storm, work, and procrastination held me up. I created and tackled a hefty objective with this post, so be kind. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that empathy isn’t always manifested in a physical act. The evidence of empathy isn’t only in the selfless acts we do or perceive we’re doing.  I was originally going to write about helping this guy get his car out of the ice in my apartment complex. I was showing empathy because I’ve also found myself in a similar bind where I needed a stranger to help me in a sticky situation (or should I say, “Icy situation”).  Empathy was a big reason I endured half an hour struggling with the frigid temperature and a seemingly unyielding hold the ice had on the car, but I realized that It’s easy to empathize with an extrinsic situation because it doesn’t belong to us; it’s something distant enough for us to maintain that psychological boundary of “This isn’t my situation, I’m only feeling it…not experiencing it, and that’s why I’m reacting.”

Reaction doesn’t always equate internalization; however a genuine reaction requires internalization.

Recognize:

- I asked someone to join me at a social gathering. He informed me that he doesn’t feel comfortable in large group settings. “Obviously that’s unacceptable,” so I thought. I ignored his feelings due to fact that I knew I could manipulate his feelings in order to get him to accept the invitation, which I did.  It wasn’t selfish…so I thought again.  I figured it would be a good opportunity for this person to work on their social skills and also become a part of “the group.” This person accepted the invite as planned. However, they ended up bailing out at the last minute. Of course I was a little upset. I took a moment to take myself out of the equation and look at the situation objectively. I figured it was empathetic enough to notice he ‘needed’ help acquiescing to different social spheres that weren’t his own. Extrinsically; I was empathizing. Intrinsically; I was clueless.

Relate:

This is an excerpt from “The Values of Everything,” an article written by best selling investigative journalist George Monbiot.  

Few people are all-extrinsic or all-intrinsic. Our social identity is formed by a mixture of values. But psychological tests in nearly 70 countries show that values cluster together in remarkably consistent patterns. Those who strongly value financial success, for example, have less empathy, stronger manipulative tendencies, a stronger attraction to hierarchy and inequality, stronger prejudices towards strangers and less concern about human rights and the environment. Those who have a strong sense of self-acceptance have more empathy and a greater concern about human rights, social justice and the environment. These values suppress each other: the stronger someone’s extrinsic aspirations, the weaker his or her intrinsic goals.

I was inadvertently manipulating my friend under the disguise of empathy. I really thought I was putting myself in his shoes, and I thought his shoes wanted to walk in the direction I wanted them to walk in. It’s one thing to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, but it’s another thing to walk their path. I was cognizant of his feelings, but I wasn’t allowing them to affect me to act differently than I selfishly wanted to.

REACT

I later called and apologized for not understanding where he was coming from. He thought it was strange, due to the fact that he bailed at the last minute and I was the one apologizing. I assured him it was okay. Our conversation took off from there and now serves as the foundation of this blog post. What this all boils down to is we can’t just empathize with concrete actions and situations. We must challenge ourselves to empathize with abstract concepts such as emotions, desires, motivators, and behavior.